The way we was - Part 2

So Mary-Kate gave you her side of the story and a little more to boot. As she mentioned DD kind of took a little hiatus when she got pregnant. From my research it seems like the jury is still out on whether its OK to spank a woman that's pregnant, but since we were very new to this I figured we would err on the side of caution. We did have lots of talks about mutual submission in marriage and what our roles are. Smarter people than I have written books on the subject of gender equality in marriage so I won't try to impart any new profound wisdom on the subject. I learned more about what my wife wanted needed me to be and learned that I was afraid that if I took more of a leadership role, Mary-Kate would feel subjugated and be mad at me. Or perhaps just as bad she would loose confidence in herself because she perceived that I had lost confidence in her.

When we first got married my wife had little self confidence. Even calling a local business for information intimidated her and getting a job was a scary thing. We tried to survive on my income for a while but we just couldn't make ends meet. She eventually did get a job, got a better job, went back to school, got a degree, got a better job, and is about to get promoted. Building her self confidence took time but in the process she discovered that she was more capable and resourceful than she knew. I supported her fully through this and I let her have all the responsibility she wanted. She was in charge of all the important paperwork, budgeting, groceries, scheduling appointments and almost everything that ran our lives. She was in charge and she liked it that way :-)

Now Mary-Kate being in charge and making a mistake or two in itself was not a bad thing. The problem was (and still is) she doesn't ask for help when she needs it. I think she has a perception that if she has to ask for help then she failed at her task. Mistakes happen to everybody, but if we pretend they weren't our mistakes then we end up failing again and again with no hope of success.

This came to a head when I tried to buy her a mothers day present and the card was declined. I tried a different card and that didn't work either. Finally I used a card from a different bank and that went through. I didn't know any better because I rarely have to buy anything. I asked Mary-Kate about it later and she broke down and told me that our bank cards were maxed out and she had opened a different one and that was maxed out to. We hadn't been late on any bills so far but we had been making minimum payments to keep everything going. Seeing her sorrow and hearing her pleading for me to handle the money from then on softened my heart. I held her and told her that things were going to be OK and I still loved her. She asked to be spanked but we had to delay until that night since I had another meeting to go to. While part of me was baffled as to why she didn't let me help before this got out of hand, the other part of me was proud of her for taking responsibility eventually.

While I was gone I had her write a brief essay explaining what she was being disciplined for, and how her sins have affected the people around her. Mary-Kate says this helps her think about what she did wrong and feel sorry for the right things. As she humbly stood before me that night and read her essay she broke down again and confessed there was more money owed than she had previously indicated. I surprised myself by staying relatively calm through all of this, and I simply told her she would get a second spanking for lying later in the week when her bottom could handle it. In hindsight I should have done more investigating as to whether she knowingly lied in her original account of our finances or if she merely made a mathematical error or something like that. My gut reaction must have been correct because because she accepted that she would be spanked for lying with a nod and downcast eyes. I'd like to think I warmed her bottom pretty good that night, but even if I never touched her I'm pretty sure she would have laid over my lap and cried. She was genuinely sorry for her mistakes and she wanted to change.

Like Mary-Kate said this was kind of a turning point for us with DD. Its so easy to give a spanking for doing something wrong, but now as the HOH I was left with how do I help her make this right. I could take all the responsibility away from her so that she couldn't get into trouble again but that's not helping my wife be responsible - lack of failure doesn't equal success.

Over the next couple of days we talked about a plan to move forward and I wanted to do it without a lot of new rules. She still handles all the bookkeeping, paperwork and the budget. But the rule is she is not allowed to spend a cent without my approval even for regular monthly bills. This means that I'm much more involved in where the money goes and it forces her to plan ahead if she wants the freedom to spend money. So she gets the accountability she wanted and I am still free to delegate responsibility depending on the situation. Its working great so far, in eight months we lowered our debt by almost $2,000. I think the positive results of her surrendering some of her control has built some trust between us. She says she wouldn't go back to doing things her way and that's fine with me.

-Sean