The way we were...

So now it's time for my side of the story, appropriately titled "The Way We Were" in reference to Sean's "The Way We Was" (which is, by the way, a reference to an episode of "The Simpsons").

No secret to anyone who knows me, I am an aggressive, go-getter type.  I feel better when there is a clear direction and plan.  I have alot of baggage from a perfectionist upbringing and a mom who was by default in control.  I make a conscious effort to not blame my actions or behavior on my environment during childhood because I ultimately have the choice to behave the way I do; that said, your upbringing does affect your "gut reaction" and without thinking first you can react on what you learned a long time ago.

Knowing this, it should be no surprise that I am a control freak.  While I've told Sean for the 6 years we've been married that I chose him because I knew he wouldn't let me push him around, I think what I really didn't realize when I married him is that, while I have a loud and demanding type of authority, he does have a sense of authority about him too (just not so obnoxious!).  We fought tirelessly, I withdrew, he pushed for conversation and to "fix it".  It was an endless cycle that neither of us was happy in, but we made a commitment to our vows, and even if we sometimes felt it might have been a mistake, we were going to stick to our word.

Sean had suggested to me one day about submission and the possibility of spanking a wife.  I bluntly told him spanking was archaic, chauvinist, and repulsive.  That said, it was never far removed really, from my mind, because I knew I did need the first part - submission.  The bible was pretty clear on the hierarchy of a marriage, and that's what we should work towards.

So, a few months later, when I found myself compromised, terribly hungover (ummm, doesn't the bible say something about drunkenness too?), I knew there was no way other than to tell Sean the truth about what I had done the night before and then deal with whatever he handed me.  I was surprised by his calm demeanor, lack of lecturing (a Sean trademark at this point), and just general sensitivity that I had a made a serious mistake in judgement but was terribly sorry.  We had a long car ride home and talked about it.  God had completely renewed his mind while I was away for that week, I think; unbenkownst to him, to prepare him for my state at the end of the week.  He was patient, and asked me, "what do you think we should do about it" to which my response was, "I think I earned a spanking."  I don't know how I knew that was what was coming, but I just did.  (I think Sean and I still disagree who recommended it first.)

It was terrible, and just honestly, poorly done, probably border lining abuse had it been done in any other context.  I think if there was any GREAT lesson we learned from that first spanking was for a debriefing afterwards.  I so appreciate that Sean gives me the time to express how I felt about the discipline after the fact, without fear of further retribution.  We spent ALOT of months talking about this first incident, and worked through our own version of rules (example, we do not do spankings without time for warning or time for reflection for both of us... I think this gives me time to feel sorry for something I did wrong and him time to make sure he doesn't go nuts on me!).

The hold-up in this natural progression was me getting pregnant.  Now, we had been suffering through LOTS of infertility issues so this was HUGE news for us.  And while there was a certain expectation that I would still submit and be obedient during my confinement, I had surgery while pregnant as well as numerous complications which made it impossible for me to even do corner time (nonetheless a spanking!) so discipline kinda went out the window.  I do firmly believe that God gave us a baby once we got our marriage right because we would have completely fallen apart having trying to go through that pregnancy and premature birth without some major tenets established.  But, I think it did hinder our further development in this lifestyle, and it really wasn't until our darling daughter turned 1 that we got back on track.

Well, we didn't really get back on track.  I just committed another MAJOR issue for our family.

I had to cut my hours to part-time after the baby was born, which was fine, and we could afford it, but we would have to slightly alter our lifestyle.  Needless to say, I did not alter that lifestyle enough and Sean was not involved in the decision-making process over money.  In that year after she was born, I eventually had maxed out credit cards and spent most everything.  It was terrible, and I think Sean finally caught wind/became suspicious that money was tighter than I might have projected.  He asked me about it - completely nonconfrontationally (and I think he didn't expect the reaction he got) - and got the waterworks over it.  I cried and confessed the terrible spending habits, buying things we could do without, not managing the money well, and I BEGGED him to take it from me.  I like to think that THIS was the point that we really turned a corner within DD.

It was big because I finally saw the wisdom in having someone over me, that I really did need some accountability for my behavior.  I needed someone to help me grow to become a better woman and mother, because I sucked at doing it by myself.  I went along with much of this DD because... well, I love structure.  I love rules.  I do NOT love being spanked (still), nor do I really enjoy having a boss (necessarily), but I do like things to be clearly outlined.  And that's what I got out of DD - I knew exactly where I stood with Sean, knew his expectations.  But it was at this second crisis that I realized DD was so much more than just trying to meet Sean's expectations for me and my behavior.  It was a lifestyle, a way of thinking, and more importantly, a way of trusting.  I don't think any of it has happened overnight, but I adore him and love him SO much more for putting his foot down.  I don't like to have him micromanage me (and he's so good to allow me to have some freedom in some areas... Thank GOD he understands my personality/natural-leader type of thing I got going on!), but since April 2010 (and we started DD in Summer of 2008) I really do feel cared for when he interjects himself into my life, my tasks, my goals.  (Still not feeling necessarily cared for during discipline, but the rest of it I do!).  It's hard for anyone not practicing DD to understand that, but there is a genuine sense of trust in him, that I have that I NEVER had before he was the head of this house.

So that's my side of the story.  I think Sean is going to give you a Part 2 to "The Way We Was" sometime in the near future, but I thought you all might like to hear what was going through my head during all this.